Grand Finale: A preview of mayhem

Your favourite Disc Hammering Honeys have been kidnapped by this menacing Villain and you must now pay attention to my words once again! Muhahaha!

LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT I SAY:

Tomorrow night is the Grand Finale to my master plans! I have created a playoff situation in which two of your favourites will be pitted against each other. The outcome will be less than favourable for one of these protagonists. Who will it be, the glowing Green Lantern or the dastardly Dark Matter? Or will I just choose to punish both?

Whatever the outcome I want you to watch (click the link) like these people during my last Grand Finale.

So the Green Lanterns, lead by the capable captain Mike “Orangutanga” Larson, have conquered the insurmountable, creeping their way from the bottom of the ladder during the first half of the season to enter the finals. Helped by the unwavering green light thrown forth by the good strong shoulders of the parkfitters – Ryan, Vega, Mitch, Tara – and a bunch of other athletes.

Dark Matter started the season sucking teams into its void but then continued to shrink in size throughout the semester until only recently. Its strength grew when it finally sucked through nearby stars James David minor one and Deanna Finn supercomplex three into its ranks. They have increased its power and will be at critical mass tomorrow night.

The game I have set forth seeks to challenge both teams by knowing both their strengths and their weaknesses and finding a balance between the two. There will be various means for the complexities that I have created to reveal themselves throughout the game.

Captain Mike Larson has always known what seems to be a winning formula for the Townsville League having won countless grandfinals, in fact almost all Townsville Grand Finals during his short run at the sport. What he doesn’t know is that this fact alone must be counteracted by others. His Achilles heel if you will has been softened in recent games – a Mixed Nats injury evened out by a well placed Dehollander kick last week took some more of the spring from his step, so though fitness is at an all time high for his career, injury concerns may not be wiped from memory before the game begins and this could weaken his on field control. The mere mention of this fact and release of this sensitive information could inspire some added challenges from Dark Matter.

Dark Matter, has a smaller roster of athletic and tall male players. Besides the star of James David, this height has been under-utelised by captain Ash-O. Will throws that force competition in height be unmatchable in this game and can the Achilles heel of Mike be weakened further to prevent aerial dominance by the orangutang cloud? Will it be a good strategy to use now or should it be avoided with a chance of Mike looming.

The Green Lantern army will be running strongly with endzone looks appearing from plenty of athleticism amongst the ranks. They will surely out-endure the smaller roster of Dark Matter but with an army waiting on the sideline will this just mean no player finds their rhythm on the field? Another wildcard I have placed into this game is Peter "soft trigger" Roach. Recently captured unbeknownst to the Green Lanterns, he has been tampered with and his trigger release is softer than ever and will fire unexpectedly, "just touch it, it's really light" he'll say "BAM!". This could be advantageous if it finds Mike in the endzone or could serve Dark Matter up some more chances with the disc. Muhahaha!

Seeds of doubt over his own ability have been planted evilly in Ashley O’Sullivan's mind over the season, but has the team weeded out these seeds with their recent strong wins lead by a team growing in strength with the like of Jason and Damien reaching dominance onfield during their games? The rest of his team has been stepping up to take the wins in recent weeks rather than their primary handler Ash. Should this trend continue or should he attempt to take control again and say to them and himself "I can do this better"? Will there be harmony of thoughts in this team like the calm of a forest of tall eucalypts on a windless day or will the chainsaw of doubt wreak havoc to this tall timber team?

These are just some of the mechanisms at play that I have constructed for tomorrow night’s game. Of course a true villain never reveals all of his secrets, or is that a magician? – YOU will never know!

As a sidegame I have also schemed the implementation in the audience of Fantasy Ultimate, giving each of you on the sideline the false opinion that you have some control over the outcome of the game I have manipulated in so many ways and can help your friends. Surely your screaming and abuse couldn’t possibly assist/hinder the outcome of one team on the field, you don’t have that power? For this game I have designated winners who I have pre-set to score the most fantasy points and those I have destined for failure.

For the female to score highest in the dreams of the sideline I have programmed Deanna Finn to tally the most points in a man offense situation. Limited mistakes and a majority of goals, she will be required to play hard to see the victory for Dark Matter take place. Her overall score will be 5 points. Mike Larson has been selected from the opposing team. His successful strategy in the Townsville league places full control of his side in his own hands. Goal throws will only come from him and cuts will be controlled by his magical directions...or so he thinks? Can the fantasy player who selects him copy his talent and seamlessly argue his errors away and attribute any mistakes to his receivers? If so his score will be high, points will come from throwing most of the goals on his team's way to grabbing a 13 - 9 victory with a few sneaking in there from his own grabs in the endzone thrown from Peter. Predictions are ranked as 8 points if his Achilles heel doesn’t weaken, but who says it won’t?

The lowest scorer on the fantasy scale has been given to the recently self-deprecating Ashley O’Sullivan. Can his teammates raise him up in time? Has his own pre-finals psyche-up of looking at pictures of Hugh playing Ultimate from facebook assisted in keeping him from being shut out of the game this week? If morale is low come the night, expect to see him somehow attribute errors on the receiver's end back to his own fantasy score and watch it drop. His throw hit you in the chest once more but you dropped it? Not your fault! Be a team player and pretend it was your asthma kicking in and your mind playing tricks on you and blame it on the thrower! If confidence is lacking he'll take the fall for this too! If he Ashley can wipe fault from his mind, expect to see a similar high score to Mike's from lots of great completions to the endzone and his tall receivers and safe hands moving the disc upfield. It'll either be negative 11 or plus 6.

The loser of this playoff situation will meet a gruesome and entertaining end. Be there to watch.

Oh and by the way, I will release the Disc Hammering Honeys from captivity under 3 strict criteria, if these are not met they will face their doom:

a: The release of the results of last week's games.

b: Their preview of the finals and the remaining 3 placing games whose match-ups are not yet known to me. But only if these details are released in the next 12 hours.

c: Everyone must attend the barbecuing of those who have not attended in the last 2 weeks (they've been in the meat freezer). There will be a feast. And I want you there while you watch the sick ending I have in store for your protagonists.

Quarter Final Reviews

Last week saw Townsville Ultimate Frisbee’s hottest night of the year (and we don’t just mean the temperature). The first round of finals contained some handsome handling (looking at you, Ashley-1), fantastic Frisbee fingering finesse (we mean catches, guys, keep your minds out of the gutter), hulk-like hucks, dedicated dives, lovely layouts, and swift sprints. Fabulous job all, and if you don’t believe us, just think back to how the games looked at the beginning of the year (major ouch there). Without further ado, on to the reviews!

RedBalls vs Clockwork Orange

13-7 Unbeatable Balls

When Redballs rolled onto Field 1, they expected an easy win, but Clockwork Orange wasn’t going to make it anywhere near easy. Mattie “BEEF-TRAIN” and his Balls brought the usual force, but Orange fought back valiantly throughout the game. The absence of several players made Orange stumble a bit, but they persevered and gave Redballs a challenging match. The comfortable cakewalk that the Balls expected instead became a battered battlefield. Clockwork Orange maxed out its super speed, calling on the fleet-footed TJ “traffic-cone” Kelly to catch long throws. Over the course of the game, TJ was a thorn in Redball’s sensitive areas (i.e. the endzone!), allowing Orange to grab points before the Balls could even say “traffic-cone.” Those damn Americans. Always causing so much trouble. Orange’s Josh also proved to be a key player and gave the Balls grief with his mis-match against Ball’s Liss. Josh managed to shut down Liss and her disc-domination for a good portion of the game, making the sweat drip down those Balls. However, to Orange’s great dismay, the Balls were once again too big to handle for the opposing team. Redballs’ almighty Damavo brought down their reign of terror, with excellent snatches and catches by Bevo. As Orange began to grow weary, Redballs just kept coming, grabbing points like nobody’s business, and Orange was ultimately unable to keep up. Too bad you couldn’t have sealed the score early like the Balls, Ashley-2! It would have saved you some seriously sore muscles.

Lascivious LadyFingers vs The Birds

13-7 Banana Bitches

This battle between two of the most fit teams in the league was assumed to be a fight until the end. However, with only 5 players at the start of the game, the Birds had to scrounge up 2 more players in about five minutes or they would be forced to forfeit. They managed to find enough players, but the Birds were not the same spirited team we’ve seen in previous weeks; they were mentally defeated from the start. Hugh “Stretch” Osborn’s beautifully in-sync Ladyfingers played an amazingly athletic game, while the Birds were struggling to get a good pull down the field. The Birds definitely could have benefitted from another stellar handler like Ashley-3 on Dark Matter, since key players Cody, Damon, and Stephen were all MIA. Dane “The Savior” West did a great job motivating the disappointed Birds, while Nick “The Beast” Hill brought aggressive offense and killer spirit. When the Birds switched to a 3-guy/4-gal offense to give their males a rest, they started getting back on the scoring track, giving the Birds some hope going into the 7-4 half-time. But right as the Birds started playing with promising skill, the mighty Bananas shut them down with seemingly magical plays. Rob “The Not-so-Minor” Dehollander D-ed so many discs that those watching thought he was King Kong swatting those planes away from the Empire State Building. The Bananas sealed off the game with beautiful playing, but the Birds were just glad to have some fun and give them a run for their money.

Dark Matter vs Spastic Spunk

13-12 Dark Oblivion

What looked like a sure victory for Dark Matter after halftime turned out to be an epic struggle for dominance as Spastic Spunk pulled out a hot and sweaty comeback. Can you say CUM-back? The night started out tough for Dark Matter straightaway, who was forced to play with only 7 players (5 guys, 2 gals). Spunk slammed a couple quick points before Dark Matter jumped back into the game with their signature long catches. Under the sure hand of Ashley-4, Dark Matter stole the first half away as Spunk began to fumble, resulting in a 7-4 halftime score. Spunk and Dark Matter traded points, Spunk still lagging behind but fighting every point ferociously (major game highlights – Spunk’s Jake completely shutting Dark Matter’s James DOWN), leading the score up to 12-8 favoring Dark Matter. At this point, it looked like Dark Matter had the game in the bag. As the other games finished and players from the other matches came over to watch, they looked at the scoreboard and walked away, assuming the end was near. But Spunk was not finished. Feeling the intense pressure, Spunk took advantage of Dark Matter’s exhaustion and, unbelievably to all those watching, racked up the scoreboard. With each side fighting desperately, Spunk pulled hard on the score to make it 12-9, then 12-10, then it was 12-11, and after a long and difficult point, it was 12-12. Dark Matter, energy drained, began to despair as the Spunk came harder and harder, gaining momentum with each point scored. At the Universe Point, Dark Matter believed they were gone. They could barely run, and poor Ashley-5 could barely raise his arms to throw, but after an intense, hotly contested final point (including Spunk’s Quint whacking a huge D!), Dark Matter managed to snatch the elusive Universe Point. Mad props to Spunk for the craziest comeback this Frisbee season and major props to Dark Matter for winning with only 7 players!

Dye Fast Tie Furious vs The Green Lanterns

13-4 The Glowing Lamps

After being shot down and often overlooked by multiple teams early on in the season, the Rebel Lanterns are finally seeing some results as they prove their status within the Frisbee Republic. However, last week’s battle against the Tie-Dye Jedis was not easily won. Despite Master Finny’s untimely absence, the Tie-Dye padawans led by Jedi Knight Zane proved rather worthy opponents for the Rebel Lanterns. Tie-Dye started the game with many long hucks down the field that left the Lanterns frazzled with defense; they sure let the Rebels know that negotiations would be far from peaceful. All padawan players proved their loyalty to the Force, with Knight-like performances, and Princess Jackie Leia remained a BAMF fighting on the side of the Jedis this week. However, General Larson, leader of this Rebel troops, once again led his team to victory. With lots of teamwork and a wide point spread across male and female soldiers, the Rebels tired out the young Jedis and did not look back. Rebel Zach sealed negotiations with a lunging one handed grab from an overzealous half-field hammer throw to score a goal. Although this week’s game was merely peaceful intra-Rebel Alliance fun, the weeks to come will prove difficult for the Rebel soldiers who will find themselves facing true danger fighting the RedBalls Empire. And if the Force continues with them, they may even end up saving the Galaxy from the Sith Emperor Ashley-6.

Next week is semis! Get keen you sexy suds! Yeah we mean you again, Ashley-7!

xoxoxo

<3 your Disc-Hammering Honeys

Villains at Mixed Nationals 2011

We just look good, nuff said!

Top - L to R - Becky Hill, Mike "Gary" Larson, Kelsey Aikens, Audrey Siple, Hamish Pope, Zach "Jugs" Thurston, Kim "Kimbo Slice" Benson, Matt "Finny" Finn, Deanna "Dee" Finn, Simon Urquhart, Bekah Ziegman, Hugh "Pugh" Osborn.
Bottom - L to R - Dusty Czok, Matt "Bass" De Witt, Amy Nelson, Derek "D-Train" O'Connell, Stephen "Scoobs" Dowdell, Christine Kline.

Glad we made it to the end!

This post receives

THE OFFICIAL SEAL OF VILLAINY