The Final Rankings

Hello there lovely Frisbee fanatics! Hope all is going well in your lives and that you are living as stress-free as possible, despite the feeling of impending doom that surrounds final exams. Here is a combination of the review of the final games and the final rankings of the semester. We'll keep it short and sweet as most of us have heaps of studying ahead.

1st PLACE: The Green Lanterns

Disc-Hammering Honeys (DHD) dubbed: Team Phoenix

Grand Finals result
Green Lanterns 13 d. Dark Matter 12

What heart-felt story can outshine the journey of a team that sat at the bottom of the rankings rising up a overcoming all to take home the gold? After a dismal 0-3 start at the beginning of the semester and their captain injured, the Lanterns' hope was dwindling fast. However all that changed when Mike "The Phoenix" Larson stepped in a took charge of the floundering fledglings. With a bit of discipline and leadership, the Lanterns' flame was reignited as they overcame the then first-ranked Dark Matter. After that initial win, Green would settle for nothing less than victory, battling it out ever week and slowly rising in the rankings. Entering the Finals as the number 5 seed, the Lanterns knew they had it in them to win it all. After an easy victory of Tie-Dye, they faced the reign of the RedBalls undefeated dynasty. But Green was not phased: they fought their way to victory, giving the Balls their first, and only, loss of the season. The Final game neared, and they knew that facing Dark Matter would yet again prove to be a challenge. With a hard fought game on both sides, this game was drawn out for hours, each team scoring right after each other. It came down to the infamous Universe Point. Both teams yearned for the glory, but in the end Green was victorious. The Lanterns' perseverance and determination bought a fairy-tale ending to the classic rags-to-riches story. Congratulations Green Lanterns! We're so proud of you!

2nd PLACE: Dark Matter

DHD dubbed: Team Fantasy

This team's theme song should definitely be LMFAO's "Sexy and I know it," because these sexy disc-lovers have known their worth since the beginning of the semester. Remember when everyone feared and envied the almighty Dark Matter as they went on a 3-0winning streak right off the bat? Remember how the dynamic duo of Ashley and James scared the shit out of everyone? And how Dee's D's, assists, and scoring seemed unstoppable? Yeah, this team knew they were hot from the very start. However, a few struggles along the way brought some losses, and they slowly drifted under the radar as the Redballs took over... well virtually everything. But that didn't stop Dark Matter's confidence in their abilities. Entering the Finals at the number 3 seed, this team played the most magnificent games and really proved their skill during every Finals game. When game against Spastic Spunk and the Ladyfingers came down to the Universe Point, Dark Matter proved as clutch as always in securing the win. They brought this confidence with them into the final game against the Green Lanterns, where, with the help of Victoria's beautiful layout, they yet again brought the game to the Universe Point. Although they did not score that final point, the energy they brought to the field was electric as they fought with blood, sweat and tears. No other team showed as much pure love of the game as Dark Matter did this season. The cohesiveness between their novice and national players was unparalleled. Congratulations Dark Matter! Your spirit made you the team everyone wished they could be a part of.

3rd PLACE: RedBalls

DHD dubbed: Team Reign-of-Terror

What can we say? Everyone feared RedBalls. When teams found out they were playing you, they often immediately admitted defeat. Every player on your team was incredibly skilled, from the power trio of DaMaVo to the athletic divas Katie and Liss. RedBalls was on fire, and played the best out of every team this semester. Unfortunately a loss to Green Lanterns in the Semi-Finals, likely resulting from the absence of captain Mattie "BEEF TRAIN" Hamilton, ruined your shot at the gold, but in everyone's minds, you won. You won in athletic performance, you won in 'most feared,' but you also won in best mindset. Every game the RedBalls played was played to the fullest. No matter how many players showed up, they always brought their best performance, and that was the key to their success. Everyone on RedBalls simply loved playing and fought until the end for what they loved. All other teams will admit that playing your team was not only the most challenging game they've played all semester, but also the most fun. This honorable team is well deserving of the Bronze. Congratulations RedBalls! "You can't win 'em all," but you were pretty damned close.

4th PLACE: Lascivious LadyFingers

DHD dubbed: Most Stretchable

If we had given out an award for the most difficult team name to pronounce, this team would have won hands down. Although you were not feared as much as RedBalls, you never failed to intimidate every team you played, simply because of your team's combined height. With so many D's you'd forget there were other letters in the alphabet, Hugh "Stretch" Osborn and Rob "Major minor" Dehollander brought their team confidence and skill, and when both were on the field at the same time, discs were constantly grounded. It seemed plain unfair. This team had the highest point differential out of all the teams (meaning they won by the most points), and we speculate that this is likely because opposing teams often internally cried when ALL their plays were shut down. Although they fell victim to Dark Matter in the Semi-Finals, the intimidation surrounding this team still remains. Who would have thought the seemingly harmless Ladyboys would kick some serious ass? Although you didn't make the top three, be proud Ladyfingers! You guys were consistently awesome!

5th PLACE: Dye Fast Tie Furious

DHD dubbed: Most Spirited

If ever there was a team who was so competitive on the field, yet so genuinely nice off, that team would be Tie-Dye. With incredible shirts and even more amazing leadership of Finny "high socks" and Zane "the PhD guy," this team was simply awesome in general. Sure, being personally heckled and teased by Finny during the game was probably more annoying than "in good fun," but after the game he was sure to compliment you on your skill. Games played against Tie-Dye were not only fun and incredibly althletically demanding, but they were always fair. This team showed everyone what the true meaning of following the "spirit of the game." Whether the game had the importance of the quarter-finals or was a complete muck-around game ("everyone must play with alcohol in their hand"), this team played with heart and gave everyone the chance to touch the disc and be part of the team. Congratulations Dye Fast Tie Furious! You made everyone on your team feel like a winner!

6th PLACE: Spastic Spunk

DHD dubbed: Best Cumback

If you didn't think Ultimate Disc could get an sexier, Spastic Spunk certainly proved you wrong. From the get-go, we knew there was something "special" about this team: cartoon sperm in the front and penises galore in the back. After the first couple unlucky games, most thought they were simply putting on a show for the other teams. But later in the semester their spunky attitudes on the field finally proved victorious. Spunk was flying everywhere and this team grew a liking to their own spunk victories. After a marvelous victory of the Green Lanterns, Spunk proved they were a force to be reckoned with. Despite early elimination from the Finals bracket, Spunk did not lose hope and continued playing every game as if it were their last. They were the only team whose emotion successfully penetrated the concentration of nearly every other team. They got inside everyone's head (including their own at time), and that proved to be their secret weapon. Who couldn't love this team for all the sexual jokes and semen references all semester long? Congratulations Spastic Spunk! You definitely turned us on!

7th PLACE: Clockwork Orange

DHD dubbed: Manliest Men and Sexiest Ladies

Clearly the most unlucky team of all, who played marvelous games only to fall short in the final minutes. Week after week they sat at the bottom of the rankings ladder, and most thought they were on the verge of calling it quits altogether. However, this team was never phased by their shortcomings. Clockwork Orange was the most under-appreciated team, coming back every week, playing tough games, and never letting opponents get the easy win. Their main set-back this semester was definitely the lack of played. With injuries happening almost every game, and simply low attendance at games, this team seemed from afar to be the weakest team. However, every game they played lasted all night, as the few devoted players who showed up were some of the most athletic players the game has ever seen. Playing (nearly) every single game with no subs, Clockwork Orange was still able to out run teams with more subs than actual players. Congratulations Clockwork Orange! You're the most admirable team by far!

THE WOODEN SPOON: The Birds

DHD dubbed: Highest Lactic Acid Tolerance

Last but definitely not least this semester were the Birds. Being ranked 1st in the pre-season rankings, the Birds were seen as a threat to most teams. Then the second week of disc, they all show up with bright pink shirts with the most awesome design of a bird shitting on a kid, and that sealed the deal. They were incredibly confident, which threw a lot of teams off. Not to mention that they would tire out every opposing team member (including subs) before half-time. This team was clearly a force of athleticism and skill. However, their decline started after their loss to the Ladyfingers in week 4. Although they fought hard against every team they played after that, they were never able to find another win. They had beautiful come-backs and even more gorgeous technique, but would always fall short, usually due to missing leaders. In the final battle for the wooden spoon, this team found itself stranded with all beginners: Bekah, Dane, Cody, and Damon were all MIA. Under the leadership of Mark "Poke-me-Man" Franich, and under the influence of drugs and alcohol, the birds gracefully fell from all they had worked for and acquired the infamous wooden spoon. However, they will always be remembered as the team who gave everyone a run for their money, especially since EVERY SINGLE PLAYER was seemingly a freaking marathon runner who never tired. Congratulations Birds! Everyone wants your athleticism!

So that was not short and sweet at all, and it definitely took me a lot longer than expected, but it doesn't really matter. The Disc Hammering Honeys truly believe everyone who came out and joined Frisbee this semester is a winner. Whether you've been playing for 8 years, or whether the first time you touched a disc was back in August: We've all won. Everyone played with an incredible amount of heart, spirit, and love. Competitiveness was fun, but everyone left feelings of "we're better than you" or "I hate you" out on the field and came together as a family after every game. I don't know about you guys, but that is what I call genuine happiness and lasting friendship. In 20 years, no one will remember what place your team ended up in, but we'll all remember the feeling of unity and ultimate bond between us as Frisbee players. If you haven't already, make sure you read TMWTDT's blog post summarizing the semester. It's sure to reinforce those feelings of love and camaraderie.

It has been an honour writing for you in recent weeks! Hope to see you all tomorrow night for the Australia vs. the World game! Get keen!!!

xoxoxo

-The Disc-Hammering Honeys


Other Awards:

MVPs
Male - Dane West (The Birds)
Female - Deanna Finn (Dark Matter)

International MVPs
Male - TJ Kelly (Clockwork Orange)
Female - Amy Nelson (Spastic Spunk)

Best Rookie
Male - Manuel Vega
Female - Sanne Nielsen

Heart Award
Male - Johannes Hammer-Li (Clockwork Orange)
Female - Sanne Nielsen (Lascivious Ladyfingers)

TOWNSVILLE ULTIMATE DISC

The Final Frontier

Ultimate friends beware, this is not a post about the battle between Star Wars fans and those of the Trek. Instead, this is a final farewell to the ones we've loved and still love; the ones who have left us; and the ones who will always be there for us in person or by a series of tubes (internet joke for all the Daily Show fans - Jon Stewart). Dare I repeat myself in saying that my words of wisdom in the beginning still hold true for your final weeks in Australia. I do so dare, and I will add a final set of rules to follow (Life's 3 Rules).

August (Welcome to the Jungle)

Townsville Ultimate Frisbee has commenced once more. Don't you dare hold back, and don't be the one to say: "If only I was more social, how much more fun would I have had." You get what you put into it.
Welcome to Mother Nature's Thunderdome...and congratulations on realizing this:
"Life is a book, and those who don't travel only read the first page."


Let's break these sentences down with the help of evidence from the past semester. Did you hold back when your team was down 4 points? Did you run end to end searching for that elusive Universe Point? Did you interact with everyone? Your pub crawl can answer the last question, and it's safe to say that the usage of the "cup" defense had pushed everyone to their boundaries. As I watched the other games from afar I could see the smiles on everyone's faces, the cheers which bonded each other in hilarity and enthusiasm. My Buddha was there a plethora of t-shirt designs! What did I see? I saw people putting in an effort to be social and veer vastly out of their comfort zone and break out of their shell. And what have these people been given back? Well that is of your own sound judgment because you get what you put into it.

The best example of this concept comes from Becca and Danielle. At first they seemed like a couple out of their element. I made the connection to a North African couple seeing snow for the first time; quite amazed at their surroundings. Their first act was to help a man they never met. HE WASN'T MAROLYIN MANSON! What started out as an act of compassion gave way to memories they will never forget. For if it was not for the initial gut reaction for them to be social, we would not have the amazingly talented "Disc Hammering Honeys" The nicknames may not have existed.

Relationships have been formed. TJ and Becca; Zach and Ket, and many more have enjoyed each others company (either for their duration of study or a simple night of "winning") Giggity!


Rule #1 - Paradox

The best piece of wisdom I can leave you all with is this: Life is the present moment. Nothing else means more to your happiness. When you're running down that field and skying the opposition, or when your hands are raised and placed on each teammate's shoulders during the post game discussions, you are forever living in the present moment. You're not thinking about the bills to pay or the assignments to finish, nor are you worried of any sort mishap that may befall your life path. You are devoted 100% to that one moment in time where nothing else matters but what is actually going on. Life is full of wondrous elements, and if you open your eyes and appreciate your peers and your connections made this semester then you will finally realise that life has no ordinary moments. There is never nothing going on. This future that you believe in, this past life you look back on in either love or disgust means nothing. What matters is that you are here, now, in this moment, with friends by your side and love in your hearts. Life is not about a fixed destination, rather it is about the journey you take and the events along the way. You cannot foresee them, and you most certainly cannot control life. It is a paradoxical bitch whose temper knows no bounds. Life beats you down and provides you with obstacles (walls) to stop your progression towards true happiness. BREAK THROUGH THOSE WALLS! You can do this by sacrificing control. And control is sacrificed most when you are living in the present moment. When you jumped into Crystal Creek from atop the rocks, when you sky'd the opponent in the endzone for that Universe point, that's when your mind was empty.

The trick is staying in that habit of being out of your mind. It takes a lifetime of practice. You are the power to break through the walls of life and your friends provide you with the wrecking ball.

Rule #2 - Humour

How many stories have you been treated to at the beginning of Wednesday's action? What of the mighty Timmy Roland and his resting place of a sidewalk afar from his own house after the pub crawl? How many pranks have been pulled to other members of their team. Some people thought it was quite humourous to pull one on the Dragon Man himself. Well played Clockwork Orange, well played. Finally, Tara's "white girl wasted" alter ego made sure to show her face at the Halloween party. No more toilet paper for you Jersey Shore House. The point I am trying to make is that you have to keep a sense of humour about EVERYTHING. Even about yourself, humour is a strength beyond all measure. It dissipates the sadness and calms the stresses away. Laugh when you can and even laugh at yourself. No one judges you in this family, and sometimes life will be hard for absolutely no reason at all. Laugh, smile, be happy.


Rule #3 - Change

Nothing stays the same. Some of you will never be here again. Some have loved and lost, others have changed majors, careers, houses, and even friendships. The only thing in this life that is constant is change. You can't escape it. The universe is balance. If you try and hold it, you will lose it. If you try and force it, it will falter. This rule of life is hand in hand with Rule 1. When you realise that life will change at any moment, without your control, you will be able to stay "out of your mind".

So what now?

If by some drastic reason you have still not felt the acceptance and paternal care of our family I can assure you that hope is not lost. There is still time. Exams are approaching and they are important. So manage your time and make the most of your final days. Some of you will never be here again, and you will know how that feels when you're reading through your news feed. Ask yourself this:

"Have you done all in your power to make the most of your journey? What else can you do to end with a bang?"

I swear to Buddha that if I don't see anyone smiling as I pass them in campus I will resort to funny faces and enticing antics that will embarrass the shit out of you. I fuckin' love you guys. Do me a favour. Go outside right meow! Raise your head to the stars and hold it high, giving three cheers for everyone you have met.

3 cheers for the Spastic Spunk, 3 cheers for Dark Matter, 3 cheers for the Redballs, 3 cheers for the Birds, 3 cheers for Dye Fast Tie Furious, 3 cheers for the Ladyboys (sorry Lascivious Ladyfingers), 3 cheers for Clockwork Orange, and 3 for the Green Lanterns.

3 cheers for heart, 3 cheers for memories, and 3 cheers for technology and Facebook. For if not for the latter, we would not be able to look back on our lives and enjoy it a second time when we are about to pass on in this world.


You are now a part of history, a section that contributes to the annals of Ultimate Frisbee in Townsville. I do my best to live a life based on the virtues pictured on my arm: Veracity, Courage, Respect, Duty, Compassion, Justice, and Honour. We are the only true judges of our character, mighty samurai warriors whose purpose is to pay it forward and lead the way to a shining future.

...and like it has been said before: Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.


When you leave Mother Nature's Thunderdome and into the bitter winters of the Northern Hemisphere, remember that you took a journey and you read countless pages of your life story. You traveled and now you have been able to feel the world at your feet.

Goodbye and Buddha/Alah/Shiva/Moses/Spaghetti Monster/and John Smith Bless you all.

With all the paternal and genuine love which I possess, forever and honourably your Ultimate friend,
Mitchell Joseph Sokolowski
The Man With The Dragon Tattoo

p.s. unless you forgot, Hugh is not a real blackbelt. ;)

Healthy posting!

So it appears that the flurry of blog posts appearing after the week-long lull is set to continue. Rather than spread the reading out throughout the week we're going to beat you into blog-reading submission and overwhelm you by the sheer volume of posts in lieu of regularity.

POST NUMBER THREE FOR TUESDAY AWAY!!!

PS. Don't forget to read the other 2, they're down here and here....

Semi-finals Reviews

Upsets, comebacks (or cumbacks in the case of Spunk), D’s, scores, and all the works were seen in last week’s semis/placing matches. Without further ado:

RedBalls vs. The Green Lanterns

13-7 Green Lanterns

When Mattie “BEEF-TRAIN” Hamilton admitted his fear about not being present at the match between his RedBalls and the Green Lanterns, he wasn’t just shitting himself. Was it the breakdown of Death-Star Damavo or the sheer force of the Rebel Lanterns’ phoenix-like ascendance? Without the RedBall Empire’s great Darth Vader to lead them, RedBalls were left scrambling to cut through the Rebel Lanterns’ zone. RedBalls threw every color of lightsaber defense against the Lanterns; zone, man, assassin Mike, assassin Pete, two man cup, man D on handlers-zone D in the field – but all were to no avail. With General Obi-Wan-Larson and handling from the-Han-Solo-with-a-dragon-tattoo and Chewy Roach, the Green Lanterns cracked the Death Star, taking the half 7-0. Green’s Andrew Skywalker had a fantastic game, including an epic goal against RedBalls’ zone, contributing to one of Green’s many points. In the second half, Green essentially outscored the Sith Lords of the RedBalls. RedBalls did not go down without a fight, however, calling on the Dark side of the Force to beat Green’s zone. Redballs’ Darth Sidious Bevo and Darth Maul Katie used fast transitions to grab a couple points in a row. Unfortunately for RedBalls, the Rebel Lanterns weren’t finished. Green’s Godfrey C-3PO caught a one-handed hammer over RedBalls’ Dave to score an excellent point, while Green’s Margrete Skywalker ran cup the whole game, helping the Rebel Lanterns shut down the RedBalls. In the end, it was the upset of the season with the toppling of the RedBall Empire and the rise of the Rebel Lanterns.

Lascivious LadyFingers vs. Dark Matter

13-12 Dark Matter

Without game reviews from either captain, it’s like this match didn’t even take place. Hugh “Stretch” Osborn’s Lascivious Ladyfingers were not vanquished, and Ashley “the 7-times-mentioned” O’Sullivan’s Dark Matter did not win off of their second Universe Point in the last two weeks. So for all of those watching this “match” last week, know this: IT WAS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. NOTHING HAPPENED. THERE WAS NO GAME. It is all a highly fictionalized ploy/mind-fuck of the Townsville Ultimate. The newly developed brain-ninja-mind-wash was highly successful. We would like to thoroughly thank you all for participating in this exciting new development. Next week, we will be testing it again for the grand finals, so if you think you see a match between Dark Matter and the Green Lanterns, it probably is not actually occurring. So whoever wins is not the actual winner, and you are not actually at a Frisbee match. You are probably smoking something fun. Be sure to thank us for that.

Dye Fast Tie Furious vs. Clockwork Orange

13-11 Dye-Fast Tie-Furious

A fairly relaxed game set out on field 3, with players lacking from both teams in the matchup. When only four Clockwork Orange players showed up to face Dye-Fast Tie-Furious, it looked like it was going to be a shit-show, also known as a forfeit for those non-Frisbee fanatics. Thankfully for Orange, Tie-Dye was in a sharing mood, and lent Orange a couple female players, allowing the game to instead be a well-contested match instead of a veritable trampling. Orange’s TJ “traffic-cone” Kelly continued his reign o’ catching, snatching multiple points and flying across the field like Superman on crack. With help from the handling Hulks of Ben and Carlos, it seemed like TJ’s super speed had no kryptonite. Zane and Finny handled for Tie-Dye, challenging Orange’s defense while cracking down on Orange’s speedy offense, like Batman and Robin whipping the scoundrels of Gotham City. The game came down to the rivalry between the Iron Man-skill (the Iron Fist of catching?) of Finny and the Wolverine-fierce TJ. Despite the Spiderman-like reflexes of Orange, in the end it was Tie-Dye that stole the title of Captain America – er, Captain Frisbee.

Spastic Spunk vs. The Birds

13-10 Spastic Spunk

Spunk vs Birds, AKA “The Hangover.” What began as a game of drunken revelry ended with a concussion and another scandalous cumback from Spastic Spunk. Spunk’s drinking fest began well before the game started, which certainly made the game interesting. Bobby “the Beast” Jackson and Quint “squint Spunk” had a little difficulty catching discs with a bottle of beer in one hand, but the cheerful Birds weren’t too phased. Despite missing players (but no missing teeth), both teams played quite competitively. Starting the game with a couple quickie points gave Spunk a big head (the top one, guys), allowing the Birds to take advantage of their overconfidence, swoop in, and ram points down Spunk’s throat. The Bird’s formidable Cody had Spunk wondering whether their drinks got rufied. The halftime saw a score of 7-4 favoring the Birds, and that’s when the losing hangover started to kick in. With KING Duncan “Shrek Spunk” puppy-dogging it and Spunk’s resident tiger Bobby “the Beast” Jackson living up to his nickname, Spunk began their vicious cumback. Unfortunately for Honey #1, Danielle “Twinkle-Toes”, being on the receiving end of one of Bobby’s tackles left her with a mild concussion, but one more point on the scoreboard for the Birds. She’ll be feeling THAT hangover for a couple of days! Apologies aside, Spunk came harder and faster, gaining points like they take shots. Honey #2, Becca “speedy Spunk”, one of the few (mostly) sober players on Spunk, pantsed the Bird boys and scored points left and right, including getting on top of the winning point. And that folks, is how The Townsville Ultimate Queen does it.

In closing, GET KEEN FOR GRAND FINALS!!!

xoxoxo

<3 your Disc-Hammering Honeys

Grand Finale: A preview of mayhem

Your favourite Disc Hammering Honeys have been kidnapped by this menacing Villain and you must now pay attention to my words once again! Muhahaha!

LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT I SAY:

Tomorrow night is the Grand Finale to my master plans! I have created a playoff situation in which two of your favourites will be pitted against each other. The outcome will be less than favourable for one of these protagonists. Who will it be, the glowing Green Lantern or the dastardly Dark Matter? Or will I just choose to punish both?

Whatever the outcome I want you to watch (click the link) like these people during my last Grand Finale.

So the Green Lanterns, lead by the capable captain Mike “Orangutanga” Larson, have conquered the insurmountable, creeping their way from the bottom of the ladder during the first half of the season to enter the finals. Helped by the unwavering green light thrown forth by the good strong shoulders of the parkfitters – Ryan, Vega, Mitch, Tara – and a bunch of other athletes.

Dark Matter started the season sucking teams into its void but then continued to shrink in size throughout the semester until only recently. Its strength grew when it finally sucked through nearby stars James David minor one and Deanna Finn supercomplex three into its ranks. They have increased its power and will be at critical mass tomorrow night.

The game I have set forth seeks to challenge both teams by knowing both their strengths and their weaknesses and finding a balance between the two. There will be various means for the complexities that I have created to reveal themselves throughout the game.

Captain Mike Larson has always known what seems to be a winning formula for the Townsville League having won countless grandfinals, in fact almost all Townsville Grand Finals during his short run at the sport. What he doesn’t know is that this fact alone must be counteracted by others. His Achilles heel if you will has been softened in recent games – a Mixed Nats injury evened out by a well placed Dehollander kick last week took some more of the spring from his step, so though fitness is at an all time high for his career, injury concerns may not be wiped from memory before the game begins and this could weaken his on field control. The mere mention of this fact and release of this sensitive information could inspire some added challenges from Dark Matter.

Dark Matter, has a smaller roster of athletic and tall male players. Besides the star of James David, this height has been under-utelised by captain Ash-O. Will throws that force competition in height be unmatchable in this game and can the Achilles heel of Mike be weakened further to prevent aerial dominance by the orangutang cloud? Will it be a good strategy to use now or should it be avoided with a chance of Mike looming.

The Green Lantern army will be running strongly with endzone looks appearing from plenty of athleticism amongst the ranks. They will surely out-endure the smaller roster of Dark Matter but with an army waiting on the sideline will this just mean no player finds their rhythm on the field? Another wildcard I have placed into this game is Peter "soft trigger" Roach. Recently captured unbeknownst to the Green Lanterns, he has been tampered with and his trigger release is softer than ever and will fire unexpectedly, "just touch it, it's really light" he'll say "BAM!". This could be advantageous if it finds Mike in the endzone or could serve Dark Matter up some more chances with the disc. Muhahaha!

Seeds of doubt over his own ability have been planted evilly in Ashley O’Sullivan's mind over the season, but has the team weeded out these seeds with their recent strong wins lead by a team growing in strength with the like of Jason and Damien reaching dominance onfield during their games? The rest of his team has been stepping up to take the wins in recent weeks rather than their primary handler Ash. Should this trend continue or should he attempt to take control again and say to them and himself "I can do this better"? Will there be harmony of thoughts in this team like the calm of a forest of tall eucalypts on a windless day or will the chainsaw of doubt wreak havoc to this tall timber team?

These are just some of the mechanisms at play that I have constructed for tomorrow night’s game. Of course a true villain never reveals all of his secrets, or is that a magician? – YOU will never know!

As a sidegame I have also schemed the implementation in the audience of Fantasy Ultimate, giving each of you on the sideline the false opinion that you have some control over the outcome of the game I have manipulated in so many ways and can help your friends. Surely your screaming and abuse couldn’t possibly assist/hinder the outcome of one team on the field, you don’t have that power? For this game I have designated winners who I have pre-set to score the most fantasy points and those I have destined for failure.

For the female to score highest in the dreams of the sideline I have programmed Deanna Finn to tally the most points in a man offense situation. Limited mistakes and a majority of goals, she will be required to play hard to see the victory for Dark Matter take place. Her overall score will be 5 points. Mike Larson has been selected from the opposing team. His successful strategy in the Townsville league places full control of his side in his own hands. Goal throws will only come from him and cuts will be controlled by his magical directions...or so he thinks? Can the fantasy player who selects him copy his talent and seamlessly argue his errors away and attribute any mistakes to his receivers? If so his score will be high, points will come from throwing most of the goals on his team's way to grabbing a 13 - 9 victory with a few sneaking in there from his own grabs in the endzone thrown from Peter. Predictions are ranked as 8 points if his Achilles heel doesn’t weaken, but who says it won’t?

The lowest scorer on the fantasy scale has been given to the recently self-deprecating Ashley O’Sullivan. Can his teammates raise him up in time? Has his own pre-finals psyche-up of looking at pictures of Hugh playing Ultimate from facebook assisted in keeping him from being shut out of the game this week? If morale is low come the night, expect to see him somehow attribute errors on the receiver's end back to his own fantasy score and watch it drop. His throw hit you in the chest once more but you dropped it? Not your fault! Be a team player and pretend it was your asthma kicking in and your mind playing tricks on you and blame it on the thrower! If confidence is lacking he'll take the fall for this too! If he Ashley can wipe fault from his mind, expect to see a similar high score to Mike's from lots of great completions to the endzone and his tall receivers and safe hands moving the disc upfield. It'll either be negative 11 or plus 6.

The loser of this playoff situation will meet a gruesome and entertaining end. Be there to watch.

Oh and by the way, I will release the Disc Hammering Honeys from captivity under 3 strict criteria, if these are not met they will face their doom:

a: The release of the results of last week's games.

b: Their preview of the finals and the remaining 3 placing games whose match-ups are not yet known to me. But only if these details are released in the next 12 hours.

c: Everyone must attend the barbecuing of those who have not attended in the last 2 weeks (they've been in the meat freezer). There will be a feast. And I want you there while you watch the sick ending I have in store for your protagonists.

Quarter Final Reviews

Last week saw Townsville Ultimate Frisbee’s hottest night of the year (and we don’t just mean the temperature). The first round of finals contained some handsome handling (looking at you, Ashley-1), fantastic Frisbee fingering finesse (we mean catches, guys, keep your minds out of the gutter), hulk-like hucks, dedicated dives, lovely layouts, and swift sprints. Fabulous job all, and if you don’t believe us, just think back to how the games looked at the beginning of the year (major ouch there). Without further ado, on to the reviews!

RedBalls vs Clockwork Orange

13-7 Unbeatable Balls

When Redballs rolled onto Field 1, they expected an easy win, but Clockwork Orange wasn’t going to make it anywhere near easy. Mattie “BEEF-TRAIN” and his Balls brought the usual force, but Orange fought back valiantly throughout the game. The absence of several players made Orange stumble a bit, but they persevered and gave Redballs a challenging match. The comfortable cakewalk that the Balls expected instead became a battered battlefield. Clockwork Orange maxed out its super speed, calling on the fleet-footed TJ “traffic-cone” Kelly to catch long throws. Over the course of the game, TJ was a thorn in Redball’s sensitive areas (i.e. the endzone!), allowing Orange to grab points before the Balls could even say “traffic-cone.” Those damn Americans. Always causing so much trouble. Orange’s Josh also proved to be a key player and gave the Balls grief with his mis-match against Ball’s Liss. Josh managed to shut down Liss and her disc-domination for a good portion of the game, making the sweat drip down those Balls. However, to Orange’s great dismay, the Balls were once again too big to handle for the opposing team. Redballs’ almighty Damavo brought down their reign of terror, with excellent snatches and catches by Bevo. As Orange began to grow weary, Redballs just kept coming, grabbing points like nobody’s business, and Orange was ultimately unable to keep up. Too bad you couldn’t have sealed the score early like the Balls, Ashley-2! It would have saved you some seriously sore muscles.

Lascivious LadyFingers vs The Birds

13-7 Banana Bitches

This battle between two of the most fit teams in the league was assumed to be a fight until the end. However, with only 5 players at the start of the game, the Birds had to scrounge up 2 more players in about five minutes or they would be forced to forfeit. They managed to find enough players, but the Birds were not the same spirited team we’ve seen in previous weeks; they were mentally defeated from the start. Hugh “Stretch” Osborn’s beautifully in-sync Ladyfingers played an amazingly athletic game, while the Birds were struggling to get a good pull down the field. The Birds definitely could have benefitted from another stellar handler like Ashley-3 on Dark Matter, since key players Cody, Damon, and Stephen were all MIA. Dane “The Savior” West did a great job motivating the disappointed Birds, while Nick “The Beast” Hill brought aggressive offense and killer spirit. When the Birds switched to a 3-guy/4-gal offense to give their males a rest, they started getting back on the scoring track, giving the Birds some hope going into the 7-4 half-time. But right as the Birds started playing with promising skill, the mighty Bananas shut them down with seemingly magical plays. Rob “The Not-so-Minor” Dehollander D-ed so many discs that those watching thought he was King Kong swatting those planes away from the Empire State Building. The Bananas sealed off the game with beautiful playing, but the Birds were just glad to have some fun and give them a run for their money.

Dark Matter vs Spastic Spunk

13-12 Dark Oblivion

What looked like a sure victory for Dark Matter after halftime turned out to be an epic struggle for dominance as Spastic Spunk pulled out a hot and sweaty comeback. Can you say CUM-back? The night started out tough for Dark Matter straightaway, who was forced to play with only 7 players (5 guys, 2 gals). Spunk slammed a couple quick points before Dark Matter jumped back into the game with their signature long catches. Under the sure hand of Ashley-4, Dark Matter stole the first half away as Spunk began to fumble, resulting in a 7-4 halftime score. Spunk and Dark Matter traded points, Spunk still lagging behind but fighting every point ferociously (major game highlights – Spunk’s Jake completely shutting Dark Matter’s James DOWN), leading the score up to 12-8 favoring Dark Matter. At this point, it looked like Dark Matter had the game in the bag. As the other games finished and players from the other matches came over to watch, they looked at the scoreboard and walked away, assuming the end was near. But Spunk was not finished. Feeling the intense pressure, Spunk took advantage of Dark Matter’s exhaustion and, unbelievably to all those watching, racked up the scoreboard. With each side fighting desperately, Spunk pulled hard on the score to make it 12-9, then 12-10, then it was 12-11, and after a long and difficult point, it was 12-12. Dark Matter, energy drained, began to despair as the Spunk came harder and harder, gaining momentum with each point scored. At the Universe Point, Dark Matter believed they were gone. They could barely run, and poor Ashley-5 could barely raise his arms to throw, but after an intense, hotly contested final point (including Spunk’s Quint whacking a huge D!), Dark Matter managed to snatch the elusive Universe Point. Mad props to Spunk for the craziest comeback this Frisbee season and major props to Dark Matter for winning with only 7 players!

Dye Fast Tie Furious vs The Green Lanterns

13-4 The Glowing Lamps

After being shot down and often overlooked by multiple teams early on in the season, the Rebel Lanterns are finally seeing some results as they prove their status within the Frisbee Republic. However, last week’s battle against the Tie-Dye Jedis was not easily won. Despite Master Finny’s untimely absence, the Tie-Dye padawans led by Jedi Knight Zane proved rather worthy opponents for the Rebel Lanterns. Tie-Dye started the game with many long hucks down the field that left the Lanterns frazzled with defense; they sure let the Rebels know that negotiations would be far from peaceful. All padawan players proved their loyalty to the Force, with Knight-like performances, and Princess Jackie Leia remained a BAMF fighting on the side of the Jedis this week. However, General Larson, leader of this Rebel troops, once again led his team to victory. With lots of teamwork and a wide point spread across male and female soldiers, the Rebels tired out the young Jedis and did not look back. Rebel Zach sealed negotiations with a lunging one handed grab from an overzealous half-field hammer throw to score a goal. Although this week’s game was merely peaceful intra-Rebel Alliance fun, the weeks to come will prove difficult for the Rebel soldiers who will find themselves facing true danger fighting the RedBalls Empire. And if the Force continues with them, they may even end up saving the Galaxy from the Sith Emperor Ashley-6.

Next week is semis! Get keen you sexy suds! Yeah we mean you again, Ashley-7!

xoxoxo

<3 your Disc-Hammering Honeys